The Soldier Next Door

Days seem to be moving faster than we have anticipated, with the imminent mission lying around the corner. We will be moving out tomorrow just before the crack of dawn as we will make our way up to Baghdad. Now to say that I am shit scared for what might happen is clearly evident in the pacing I have done in the past half hour. Much to Ray’s annoyance, he has sent me out of the ops tent to find something else to keep my mind occupied.

I am fucking scared that I am not going to make this one home this time. I have come so close to death these past two missions that I am now asking myself what the fuck am I doing here. My son needs me, and I am here in the middle of goddamn no man’s desert going off my head.

My mom has even told me to stop phoning her more than four times a day, for I am driving her right there insane with my constant checking on Lucas. I never knew that there would come a day that I would rather be anywhere else than the place I used to love being the most.

So with my mind driving me slowly down a very steep hill into what is going to be a spectacular crash when I eventually come down from my panic, I find my way to the mess hall in search of the strongest cup of caffeine. And it is here where I find the furthest corner away from any other living soul at the moment to send my mom just one more message today before she does actually send someone to come take my phone away as she had threatened to only but a half an hour ago.

Ya, I am a nervous fucking wreck, and I have no idea what to expect for tomorrow and even beyond that as I count these days down patiently until I can set my foot back home and have my son back in my arms. Fuck any pump action riffle or even a missile launcher; what I want in my arms is a far more delicate little young person.

I do not want to be here.

But fuck, I also have to be the man that I am when I am not with my family.

And talking about family, I have perhaps secretly wondered and waited to see if Ana would perhaps even phone to say just a simple good luck or perhaps even an odd chance of that she is thinking of me while I am out here. But I think that it is a foolish man with wishful thinking that believes that such a thing shall happen, especially from my dear old ex-wife.

Ya, as I am sitting here and hoping that the woman might care, I am very much busy pulling up the divorce papers. That will be the very first damn thing that I do, and that is sign them the minute I set my feet back home. I want her out of my life more than I want her to actually phone and say that she cares. But I am not holding my breath for that one.

But something I have been holding my breath on is this envelope that I have now for the past few days nearly opened. But then I get that part of me that says that why do I want to put myself through this pain again. What can be so important that she took five minutes longer to write it down just before she decided to walk out of Lucas and my life?

Well, perhaps…

And yes, my hand has found its way into my pocket where I can feel the edges of the envelope that now has started to crumble with each attempt that I fold it over and over in my hands, not near close enough to open it and find the truth behind what has been a lie for little over a year now.

So as I take one big sip on my cup of coffee, I swallow even more pain away than the burning liquid down my throat.

Am I ready for this?

Am I ready to do this today?

Tomorrow we head out, and god knows we don’t know what to expect. Do I want to take that last step, perhaps that last breath, not knowing what was on her mind?

What the fuck was her reason for leaving me like that?

Do I want to get kicked in the fucking gut again?

Guess…

Ah, what the hell!

With a glance around the tent, I am moving myself completely out of sight of anyone; I take the envelope and tear the top of it open in such a slow motion that it seems as if time is almost standing still.

“Come on; it is just a fucking letter. Get yourself together, Hunter!”

And as I take that next deep breath, I start pulling the piece of paper from the envelope. The minute that I have it in my hands, there is the familiar scent of her perfume that fills all my senses, and for one minute, I consider putting the thing where it belongs…the fucking dustbin.Contentt bel0ngs to N0ve/lDrâ/ma.O(r)g!

The last thing I need to be reminded of is her scent and then, on top of that, listen as her words are whispered in my ears. She does not deserve that kind of attention from any part of my body. Ana does not even deserve a fucking rise of nothing from this man that only hates her.

But perhaps she deserves five minutes to give me the answers to the questions that have been haunting me each night when I try to close my eyes and find one moment of peace from everything that has gone so wrong.

So perhaps, yes, maybe…but only for five fucking minutes will she deserve my attention.

And as I finally have the letter firm in my hands, I take that last sip of my coffee and the rest of the pride and anger that fills my heart…

“Dear Ethan…

I know that if you are reading this, it must have taken you days to get to that decision. I really do not blame you for hating me as much as you are hating me right now. And if it has taken you the time that I think it must have, then I know that you are somewhere near Baghdad and that you will be heading off into the unknown.

Now I know that no part of you are going to believe this, but I really wish you good luck and for your safe return. Lucas needs you more than ever, for god knows he does not need his mother, not after the stunt that she has pulled.

But if you give me just five minutes, then I want to tell you what and however stupid it might be, but I need for you to understand why I had to walk away and perhaps that you will understand. But before I lay my misery upon you, I want to say that I really did not intend for any of this to happen. I did not want to leave you or Lucas, but I had to; I had to give you two boys a better future than you would ever have had with me.

So, my story is perhaps a sad one for which you will not care, but it is a story that has given me nothing other than heartache the moment I discovered that it would become a part of my life.

You see, there is something ugly out there that happens to the best of us. One day we find ourselves sitting faced with the biggest word that we will ever come to understand in our life. And let me be honest with you, I still do not understand its purpose and the grip that it has in my life. All I know is that I hate being myself more now than I have ever done.

I was human before this, you might not believe that, but I was a different Ana before this had happened to me.

It happens when you do not expect it. It is like that unknown mission that you go on, and you have no clue how it is going to play out. You can say that I have been going on this unknown mission of my life for years, even years before I had met you. But at least it was not a mission I had to endure before I met Mark.

I fucking regret ever laying my eyes on any of the Jenkins brothers.

They ruined me.

Not only for you but also for the one person that I was waiting for my whole life…

They took me from my son even before I had the chance to meet him.

You see, there is something out there that monsters and apparently people are made of.

I am made of that monster whom you saw me turn into; I am that person that you do not let your children near, not even for this five minutes that it is taking you to read this.

The thing is Ethan, I have…”

Then there is a very concerned Ray standing over me with a smile that is full of sorrow. “Come, you can finish that later.”

And with that, I wipe the tears that I did not know I was crying out loud.