Surrender Your Sensations

I walked after him and tried my hardest to convince him to go to his exam. But when we reached his motorbike, he still didn’t follow me.

He took a helmet and handed it to me but I didn’t take it. “You’re not going with me,” I said with conviction and then took a step back when he tried to put the helmet on my head. “Attend your exam. I can manage myself. You don’t really have to come with me,” I insisted.

“Can you?” He heaved a deep sigh before he ran his hand through his naturally-disheveled hair. “Who were you talking to earlier? You even told him you’re scared. Is he coming? Is that the reason why you don’t want me to come?”

I bit my bottom lip before avoiding his gaze. I wanted him to go with me in this check-up and held my hand to comfort me. Lately, he was the only person I confided with all my inner thoughts and hesitations. He was my comfort zone for the past few days.

But I was afraid of the consequences of my results today. If it’s not going to be okay, it would be better if Rupert wasn’t there to hear it with me. I don’t want to involve him in my miserable life.

“Who’s that, Meredith? Your boyfriend? Suitor? You know I can beat him up for trying to get you from me.”

I couldn’t see his expression clearly but the heavy tone of his voice confirmed his sudden change of aura. He took a threatening step towards me and it took all my remaining courage not to step backwards.

“No one is getting me from you. Stop with your accusations.” I pushed his chest to put a safe distance between us but he grabbed my waist and in swift motion, turned me around and pushed me until my back was leaning on his motorcycle. “Rupert!”

“Who’s that? Why is it okay for him to come while I can’t? Don’t give me the exam shit. I can take a special exam. So who were you talking to earlier?”

I heaved a deep sigh when I realized he was being stubborn again. So, I did what I thought would make him do what I wanted.

“That’s Bailey.” Then I wrapped my arms around his waist. Upon reaching his back, I inserted my two hands into the hem of his shirt until I touched his skin.

He inhaled a sharp breath with our skins in contact and I took it as an indication that this way would work for him.

“Bailey?” His voice came out hoarse as he hung the helmet on the motor’s handle to fully wrap his arms around my waist. “Your lesbian best friend?”

“Ah-uh.” My hands caressed his bare back as he pushed himself closer to my body. I could feel a slight shaking of his motor because of his pressure on me. “Aunt Bernadeth is also there to accompany me. She’s our university nurse and my dad’s friend.”

“And I can’t be there because of them?”

“You shouldn’t be there because of your exam, Rupert. You’re a senior- graduating. I don’t think you should be doing such petty things like ditching your exam for just a girl.”This belongs © NôvelDra/ma.Org.

“You’re not just a girl for me,” he retaliated before heaving a deep sigh.

I smiled at what he said before tightening the hug around his waist. He had no choice but to lean his body and face towards me. And when his lips were close enough, I leaned upward and claimed his lips.

We shared a long and passionate kiss that seemed to not end- until the motorcycle behind me shook and almost fell.

“Your tongue is a flirt!” I jokingly told him before straightening up.

Rupert gave me a quick peck on my lips before he said, “So, I really need to attend my exam today?”

“Yup. You have to ace that as well.” I told him, tapping the seat of his motorcycle. “Go back to the university now. I can handle myself.”

“I’ll call you a taxi first.”

“You’re really stubborn!”

Rupert accompanied me back to the front of my dorm. He accompanied me to wait for my taxi even though I forced him to leave several times.

“What if you’re late? You’re really really stubborn!”

“I’m just worried, Meredith. That’s the truth.” I turned to him when I felt him suddenly holding my hand. He intertwined our fingers together. “You were the one I immediately thought of when I opened my eyes this morning. My gut was telling me I should see you today- that I have to be with you today.”

I smiled at Rupert’s sudden confession. It was the same bad feeling that I had the moment I opened my eyes today. “There’s nothing to worry, Rupert. I’ve been okay and healthy for the past two years.”

“I don’t have anything to worry about. Isn’t it Meredith?”

I tightened my grip on his hand before nodding. “Just focus on your exam and make sure to ace it. Show me your score, ‘kay?”

He nodded before kissing the back of my hand. “I’ll make it perfect for you,” he joked before giving me a kiss on my cheek. I looked at him and he immediately brought his face closer. That’s when I saw the serious gaze and concerned expression of his face. “Promise me, Meredith. Will you show me all the results of your tests today at your check-up?”

I was too quick to answer, “Promise, Rupert,” thinking I would have enough courage to stay honest with him- and keep my promise.

But things became a nightmare and I badly wish to wake up from this.

***

“My God! What took you so long, Meredith! I thought something bad happened to you!” Aunt Meredith welcomed me with her usual warm hug but the panic in her voice made me chuckle.

“Hey, Auntie! I miss you too!”

Like she always does, she held both of my shoulders at arms length as she examined me, from my face down to my feet.

“My life abroad is okay. How are you?” I teased her so I received a crisp slap on my arm.

“You really inherited your father’s craziness!”

Aunt Bernadeth and her usual quirky and loud self were the perfect combination to ease my worry. For the past two years, she was successful enough to uplift my morale while I was recovering from my disease.

“Thank you for being with me today.”

Aunt Bernadeth was stunned by what I suddenly said. She nodded at me before taking my hand in her. “I promised your mother, Meredith. I’ll always be here, no matter what happens.”

Though I never told her, I was sure Aunt Bernadeth already knew that I was worried about something. She was there for me like a real mother would do, after all.

Right now, she was the person I was most thankful for next to my father. And I love her for not asking me questions about the things I could not talk about. She didn’t even ask me what’s with the sudden request yesterday for her to accompany me today.

I just need someone to lean on if ever life fuck me again for the second time around. And one of those trusted people I have was surely Aunt Bernadette.

“Let’s go inside. I’ll also text Bailey to come back here.”

I frowned at what she said. We were on our way to the second floor of the hospital to meet my doctor. “Is Bailey here already? Where did she go?”

“That kid is very worried. So when you didn’t arrive for about ten minutes, she left to maybe look for you,” Aunt Bernadetted laughed as she typed on her phone.

We entered the elevator and even though she was busy with her phone, she was quick enough to hold my hand like she always does before the elevator door closed. I smiled there. I fear elevators- because it was suffocating for me. But I could manage that fear to not interfere with my daily encounter with elevators.

My fear only doubles when I’m in the hospital elevator. In this instance, I couldn’t stay alone in an elevator- I would freak out and the worst thing that would happen was me collapsing.

“I was just late,” I said after Aunt Bernadeth was done texting Bailey.

“Why are you late anyway? You know how paranoid your best friend is paranoid over your safety. You’re giving her a headache.” Aunt Bernadeth chuckled and I shook my head. Indeed, Bailey tends to worry and care for me a lot. And after she confessed her feelings for me, I completely understood her gestures. “She thought you would be ahead of him here at the hospital because you left your dorm earlier.”

“Wait. Don’t tell me, Bailey went to my dorm?”

“Exactly.”

I gasped in the air before picking up my phone. I smiled when I saw Bailey’s text message, saying she’s going back to the hospital. Really crazy.

“Your best friend already texted you?”

“Yeah. She’s going back here.” Then I hid my phone.

Aunt Bernadeth shook her head before she showed me the screen of her phone. “I texted her that you were already here but she replied to you.”

I laughed before I clung to her arm even more. “Didn’t I tell you before? Bailey is always loyal to me.”

“Loyal? Is she a dog?”

“Aunt Bernadeth!”

“Because there is no loyal person, Meredith. When you reach my age, you will understand me.”

Loyalty- I know for a fact that that thing- or some sort of human character, never existed. It was just a made-up excuse for us to trust someone. If you perceive someone to be loyal, then you could trust that someone easily. Thinking about that, I thought that’s the reason why I ended up trusting Rupert. He was so loyal to Ava, even if death already cut them apart. And I was the fool who thought he could do the same thing with me.

“And here we are. Let’s go. Totoy is definitely waiting for us.” Just on time, the ‘ting’ sound of the elevator was heard and the door opened.

Laughing, I slapped Aunt Bernadeth’s arm because of what she called my doctor. “Don’t call him that!”

“And why? He’s really Totoy!”

My laughter got louder before shaking my head. “He will surely get annoyed when he hears you calling him Totoy!”

“Oh well. I can call him like that in front of his co-workers so he will go berserk,” Aunt Bernadeth playfully said and I laughed even more.

After a right turn on the end of the hallway of the second floor, we reached my oncologist’s office. Dr. Eian Zaldy Baller, also being called Totoy by his mother, was my new oncologist. My previous oncologist was transferred to a remote village in Palawan, so I had to look for another doctor. Luckily, Aunt Bernadeth’s eldest son ended up specializing with breast cancer among all the types of cancer in the world.

I was about to knock on Dr. Baller’s office door when Aunt Bernadeth stopped me. “Let me knock on my son’s office.”

I laughed. I let her. But contrary to what she said, she didn’t actually knock and just immediately turned the knob to open the door to her son’s office.

One rule of Dr. Baller was to always knock before entering his office. But his mother was with me so I just let her go.

But that was the wrong shit to do.

“Por Dios por santo! Hey, my child! Do you want me to cut your penis!?”

“Mom?!”

I stood there with wide eyes and mouth as Aunt Bernadeth ran towards her son. She beat her child while the woman we caught making out with him immediately closed the buttons of her uniform. The nurse’s face was red and flustered as Dr. Baller made nonsense excuses to her mother.

“What the heck is this? New version of Tom and Jerry?”

“Bailey!”

Bailey wrapped her arm around my shoulder and tapped the top of my head as we both watched Dr. Baller and his mother bickered with each other.

“Some things never really change,” Bailey said and I chuckled with that.

Dr. Baller was older than Bailey and I for about a decade. But we grew up treating him as our older brother since Aunt Bernadeth and my parents were close and I’d always been with Bailey ever since. We witnessed how Dr. Baller was being disciplined and raised by her mom.

They’re always like this- bickering with each other like friends but Dr. Baller idolized and respected his mother so much.

“Mom! It’s embarrassing for Vivien!”

“It’s embarrassing?! Well the two of you are even more embarrassing! You’re still here in the hospital! Come here, Totoy! I’m going to cut you off!”

“Mom! My name isn’t Totoy!” Dr. Baller was trampling like a child because of what his mother called him.

My attention was shifted to the nurse who was called Vivien. I winced when I saw how red with shame her face was. Her gaze went on mine.

I smiled at her before nodding. “You may go,” I told her, trying to give her the chance to go away before Aunt Bernadeth shifts her attention to her.

Embarrassed, she bowed to me and Bailey before finally leaving the office. I immediately kicked Bailey and she immediately closed the door of Dr.  Baller’s office.

When we were the only ones there, we let Aunt Bernadeth scold her son.

Bailey and I went straight to the small dressing room for me to change my clothes.

“Don’t be scared,” Bailey said suddenly as I was about to enter the dressing room. She tapped my shoulder lightly before offering me a set of hospital gown and scrub for my hair. “Everything is going to be alright just like your previous check-ups.”

“Do you think so?”

“I believe in you, Edith. You’ve been doing this for two years. Today won’t be different from the other times you were here.”

I took a deep breath then accepted what she offered. I gave her a faint smile before I stride towards her. I immediately wrapped my arms around her waist and she immediately hugged me back.

“What if this day is different, Bailey? W-What if everything doesn’t go well for today?”

I felt her hug me even tighter. Her fingers combed my hair as her free hand caressed my back, trying her best to comfort me. “Then, we will make it okay again just like before. If there is any bad news that comes to us today, we will deal with it with courage.”

“I’m not brave,” I whispered, untangling myself from our hug. “I’m always weak.”

“You’re not. You’re the bravest person I know. You’ve been through this once – so there’s no reason for you to be afraid of the second or third.” Bailey cupped my face, leaning forward until I could see her eyes clearly. “You won’t face the adversities on your own, Edith. We won’t let you be alone. Always remember that.”